By Rev. Kathryn Marie van Rooyen
Revised Copyright 2000
All rights reserved
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Miscarriage takes its toll on the marriage, also. Tragedy can pull a couple together or drive a wedge between them. It is very important that they find support --either through their church, an organization such as SHARE, AMEND, or The Compassionate Friends, in a grief therapy group or with a therapist who fully understands the nature of grief. Spouses need comfort and support from one another, but can become upset or volatile when one doesn't grieve like the other. It is vital that we remember that there are no rules in grief! Men and women grieve differently. No one grieves on the same time table or in the same way, no matter how 'close' the relationship.
The wished-for baby is never forgotten. The scar it leaves on the heart is permanent, though in time it becomes silvery and less tender. It is important to go back to precious memories to work through grief. It is vital that hospital staff understand that parents need to create memories. In my work with hospitals, I have photographed babies who died and also facilitated the procedure allowing parents to rock their dead child. We must realize that there is a need for closure and get over the feeling that this is ‘morbid’ or wrong.
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