What is Shame, Anyway?

Many people think they understand what shame is-- they think it is doing something embarrassing, or immodest, or immoral. Shame is much more than that, and more insidious and deep. Lots of folks confuse shame with guilt, and really see no difference between the two.

There is a big difference between shame and guilt. Guilt, simply put, is feeling bad about something you did, said, behaved or reacted. It is feeling bad about some action that you have taken. Examples of situations that may involve feeling guilty: yelled at your child, slept with your best friend's spouse, stole money from the trust fund, cussed when you became angry, got drunk and wrecked the car, etc. Guilt is a necessary tool that can bring change to our lives, and also can bring us to repentance.

Shame is different. Shame is feeling bad about who you ARE. It is feeling bad about yourself, the way you think, look, feel, and your very make-up. Shame says that you are bad, inadequate, never good enough, and less than. Shame is heard in these statements: "No matter what I do, it won't be good enough", "If people get to really know me, they wouldn't like me."

Guilt, you can do something about. You can repent. You can change your behavior. You can make restitution. But with shame, we feel that there is nothing that can be done because our very personhood is defective. We are bad, "bad to the bone." Defective. That is why shame is so much more damaging that guilt.